there with you

    suddenly everything feels a lot colder
being by myself is now lonely not just being alone

time spent with you

            is there loose change between the couch pillows?

there's a part of me that feels

        frozen in time

you lie on my chest while I play with your hair 
    and the emptiness of everythingness was a woe away
                    but for that fragment of time
          our souls intertwined
for what I imagine forever feels like

                                    or the warm air filling my car as we drive an hour to our beach

                            to be mauled by waves

                    i felt mauled by love

        the radio playing light music

    while we talk about anything for hours

        and i turn to see your face

            sunkissed and smooth

            your smile branded on my brain.

    to hold your hand

where your fingers fit with mine,                                        two pieces of an impossible(?) puzzle

                            and you would play with my rings

and grip onto my arm like it was the only thing keeping you in this material world

                                                                        like that was the binding of us

the mundane was the perfect day

        i found my normal

    i smiled with you,                                                 isn't that all that matters?

you helped me realise part of me, i just hope ive done the same for you

but what id do for more of you

           but apparently we were on a collision course for 3 years and we couldn’t do anything about it.

call it fate, call it karma. call it bullshit

       i think about how we first met and all the choices i had to make 
            where i found myself
            there with you

                                                                                            choices choices choices

            loving you was never a choice

but staying was

this fig tastes a little sour right now

my pain of now comes where we just didn't get each other

    that the last hug felt cold

            and you walked away and didn't even look back
i would've donated my left kidney and you 
                                      couldn't donate a conversation when its what i wanted most
and its not like i was blind but i just decided to close my eyes and pretend for a moment
                                                       love
                    and honestly I'm struggling to cry (i was)
            because i already knew when you told me the way you felt
        i just didn't want to listen
        i didn't want this to be us

     i didn't want to believe it was

           i had grieved this loss already once 
i chose to hurt more.
why

        a lesson learnt in the latter part of the day

sunday night past 8pm is when it's going to hurt the most
    not tears but the sinking stomach
    and the left kidney

that goddam left kidney 

i know you'll read this, someday.

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-d