there with you

    suddenly everything feels a lot colder
being by myself is now lonely not just being alone

time spent with you

            is there loose change between the couch pillows?

there's a part of me that feels

        frozen in time

you lie on my chest while I play with your hair 
    and the emptiness of everythingness was a woe away
                    but for that fragment of time
          our souls intertwined
for what I imagine forever feels like

                                    or the warm air filling my car as we drive an hour to our beach

                            to be mauled by waves

                    i felt mauled by love

        the radio playing light music

    while we talk about anything for hours

        and i turn to see your face

            sunkissed and smooth

            your smile branded on my brain.

    to hold your hand

where your fingers fit with mine,                                        two pieces of an impossible(?) puzzle

                            and you would play with my rings

and grip onto my arm like it was the only thing keeping you in this material world

                                                                        like that was the binding of us

the mundane was the perfect day

        i found my normal

    i smiled with you,                                                 isn't that all that matters?

you helped me realise part of me, i just hope ive done the same for you

but what id do for more of you

           but apparently we were on a collision course for 3 years and we couldn’t do anything about it.

call it fate, call it karma. call it bullshit

       i think about how we first met and all the choices i had to make 
            where i found myself
            there with you

                                                                                            choices choices choices

            loving you was never a choice

but staying was

this fig tastes a little sour right now

my pain of now comes where we just didn't get each other

    that the last hug felt cold

            and you walked away and didn't even look back
i would've donated my left kidney and you 
                                      couldn't donate a conversation when its what i wanted most
and its not like i was blind but i just decided to close my eyes and pretend for a moment
                                                       love
                    and honestly I'm struggling to cry (i was)
            because i already knew when you told me the way you felt
        i just didn't want to listen
        i didn't want this to be us

     i didn't want to believe it was

           i had grieved this loss already once 
i chose to hurt more.
why

        a lesson learnt in the latter part of the day

sunday night past 8pm is when it's going to hurt the most
    not tears but the sinking stomach
    and the left kidney

that goddam left kidney 

i know you'll read this, someday.

[deleted]

-d

war and peace

im pretty good at fps games
    csgo, cod etc. if there's a gun and a man in front of me, i know what to do
I've spent countless hours honing these digital skills (pretty useless)
ive been a different kind of beast on AU servers
        but its kinda hard not to think about it in reality,

and now Instagram has made me death's witness

    i am a primed potential killing machine

fed since birth

    

breathing the same air as i

    one could witness,

a home now rubble, a child now headless

a mother has no son, soon to suffer a similar fate 
    the airwaves densely populated
waves of gunshots and air raid sirens rattle the morning air

    an ultra-hardened super_MEGA titanium-chromium factory-new death machine

        points its big ugly snout at a home

it's alright, 

        things aren't built to last anymore anyway.

here i am though,

    so detached from suffering

an observer of terror
                i feel privileged but lost,

helpless

    compassion makes us human

what even does
        the world has become a funny place
we think we've grown, but we're the same humans but with bigger bombs

the reality of 71-year-old men telling 18-year-old men to point guns at

each other

your mother

your wife

your child

your home

you

in saying this, it's hard to argue against the fact that
            war is nature and nature is war
down to the molecular level of electron transfer and ions
            the rationalisation (+illusion) of competition

                The Super Bowl is rigged

    so are most things

insider trading

    sometimes justice isn't really served

i think i need to write about greed and justice

our need to compede

SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST

the sad truth that

        war brings the shareholder value

a financial incentive to kill

what is the value of a human life?

we have an embedded obsession with difference
            violence
somewhere rooted deep within our DNA

rests our obsessive compulsion to eradicate the other side

US VS. THEM

but who is US and who is THEM?

                                                    

                                                     evidently,

we dont change

we do the same things today but under different names

    we are all descendants of the same 
who struggle to learn from history
                a firm reminder that we are just animals
humanity bound by hope

   bemused by the illusion of it

by the narrative ruling public opinion

    who to support and why

if the roles were reversed in Gaza, who would be labelled as the terrorists?

    the algorithm rules the brains of our young
the impression that your impressions will make an impression on those who have power

h ow naive I am to think that i could make a difference at all

money = power

knowledge = power

the propaganda press is perpetual

        a self-feeding cycle

OUROBOROS

    when does it start to believe itself

and the line between reality and

    the one I've created in my mind

                            starts to blur

    how long did it take for hitler to dissolve into his own deceptions

the people fed him as much as he fed them

to become what you speak

how quickly can an idea(-ology) reduce itself to extremities

            and send its swirly-eyed believers to the front line to DEMAP
one of their own on the pretence that they are doing good

    THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH

GOOD INTENTIONS

BREAKINGS NEWS THE DEATH TOLL IN GAZA HAS SURPASSED 30000 SINCE THE START OF ISRAEL'S MILITARY OFFENSIVE IN OCTOBER

both sides HAVE TO believe they are righteous

    how else do you get kids to shoot other kids

                how else can you justify yourself

i write with naivety

    i must sleep and leave this tangent behind for now    

god is dead and we killed him

    i implore you to search within

- d

p.s

anecdote from shadae
father: alex,

    Prisoner of war    

Kill your cousin

    I’ll burn your house down if you dont    

I’ll kill you if you dont

[the only option is to run]

l'homme revolte

  Any dollar earnt over $50million is redistributed 

imagine that

                Im not saying let's do that but imagine that

      DISCLAIMER: i am not a communist or socialist, i am simply begging the question 9(many questions actually)

    its unfathomable in the way our society is built,

it's undeniably the way HUMANS ARE.

i feel i have to disclaim

once people think youre something it self-perpetuates, good luck digging out of that grave

could we narrow income inequality and truly service the people?

        is the government able-bodied enough to make decisions to save us from the corporatist-doom-disguised-as-democratic-capitalism pipeline we are glugging through/towards

    better yet, are we able-bodied and good enough for our own futures to do so?

  

competition is the root of life

see: survival of the fittest

BUT, we have gotten so good at it there is non-competition in big leagues
Coles and woolies duopolised your need to eat

    you smal fry businesses gettin eaten up!!

(I'M LOOKING TO SELL MY TECH START-UP TO MICROSOFT)
Universal Music Group owns half of the waves that ripple the air to vibrate your cochlear which are transmuted as endorphins such as DOPAMINE

    YOU THINK YOU THA SHIT BITCH? YOU AINT EVEN THE FART!!

dysmusliagori ----- your brain has been programmed by insistent repetition to enjoy patterns of music

my brain is so fried i can hardly exist

i instinctually open instagram when i pick up my phone

i feel so lonely and stuck in a cycle i actively discuss and mentally repress

kritor said i should focus on being grateful

i fight the chains of addiction to break free of the state of inaction and quiet desperation

i digress,
    im just tryna point out the illusions of fairness and freedom

    Success is excess

corporatism

a false perception of a free market

the worst is when you can't tell they are lying

there is the stereotype of the uber-rich that they had to be a bit scummy or step on people to get there..

i mean,

a corporate ladder insinuates standing on subservient rung-type guys with greasy comb-overs until you reach the top,

and then what?

    which rungs (or who) still stand below you?

 who was raiders-of-the-lost-ark-esque replaced like a faulty cog in your watch?

    who lost their income and turned to one of the many vices that society endorses (or doesn't), 

their day filled with pots and pokies,

    the endless scroll of the icons across their screen

                        whirly-eyed, transfixed

while their wife and daughter wonder "when's daddy coming home"

and when daddy comes home he's drunk and $1200 poorer and has to listen to his wife whining where he's been but he's been blowing off some steam and she's all on his ass about finances and supporting her and their daughter but he's just not the man he used to be

        a bad day to be climbing the ladder for this guy huh

it's really just wolves and sheep

i'd rather be a wolf

and like wolves, we are simply animal

except we've found the luxury of convenient survival

so we instead chase that DOPA

and money is like an opioid high - the ceiling doesn't exist
            accumulate accumulate accumulate
    how to be content and present
rather riddled with the stress of our imminent and ever-approaching future and what must be done now so you arent one of the replaceable cogs in 10 years time

    you see, my ancestors were sold the Australian-dream of a safe and affordable lifestyle 
i am intensely grateful for this, im not stabbed or starving when i wake up, Ive lived a comfortable life

                    however, i feel our society is on a downtrend

    i got diamond hands, what goes down must come up,

but shit doesn't happen alone

    people have to make a change

l'homme revolt, cest toi?

    maybe a dying breed, as

most people lead a hedonistic life
        obey every impulse and gratify every desire

im 25 attempts deep to minimise my screen time

Delete Instagram and i scroll youtube

we are struggling

culturally

ethically

economically

i sense we are burnt the fuck out.

I WANT SEX SO I SCROLL THROUGH HALF OF MELBPOURNE ON HINGE AND FIND THAT PERSON WHO IS ALSO BOTH SCARED OF FEELING SOMETHING REAL AND WHO'S DOPAMINE RECEPTORS ARE FRIED ENOUGH THAT A WEEKS VALIDATION FROM THE OPPOSITE SEX IS ENOUGH SATIATION OF MY HUGNER FOR BOTH DRAMA, LOVE AND SEX WHILE I SIMULATENOUSLY SCROLL FOR MORE POTENTIAL MATES WHILE I SUCK ON MY BUBBLEBUTT-KIWI-CUM-ICE FLABOURED VAPE AND POST MY $36 DRINK ON INSTAMAGRAM WHILE NOT KNOWING WHERE I WANT TO GO OR WHAT I WANT TO DO BUT I CANT CONFRONT THOSE FEELINGS BECAUSE THEY TAKE TIME AND EFFORT TO PROCESS AS OPPOSED TO MY INSTANTANEOUS GRATIFICATION OF ALL OF MY NEEDS THROUGH A VARIETY OF NUMBING METHODS

so, unsurprisingly,

    the cookies know you,

                trust me those bitches know you

they could almost paint a picture of you

let me try that?

    

        and lo,

i am never satisfied with the amount of work i do

because i haven't earnt a dollar
    im just tryna exist and smile while im doing it
im trying to be someone who inspires thought and goodness in the world
    hustle culture is toxic
the neverending lust of productivity 

cash rules everything around me

    the velocity of cash
the starving artist
    the algorithm-bound mind feeder
                        post post post because the people need to eat 

glugluglguglug

you are what you eat
    an office-bound bottom feeder
            yes sir ill get that to you in no time
my wife's delivering our newborn but i can stay for unpaid overtime
yes
yes
yepper

        yes-man        

a cruel reality; hobbyism is inefficient, 
  two choices when creating:

    either dont. give a fuck

                or commodify until you wanna die

i choose 1

    i suggest you do too

    you must still create.

anything

-d

corporate dystopia

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    a feed-glugging infantiled brain

the algorithmic pacification of your every desire

the self-indulgent samsara cycle

the self-aware, fate-deciding robotnik algorithm built for your every (dopamine) need

monopolised/internationally-delegated housing/public goods market

the

i cant leave my house for less than $20

the invisible hand no longer creates a self-servicing economy

the so-called free market

steve jobs said the people dont know what they want

you're right i dont

            maybe its always existed within innovation

    and this is the natural trajectory

people live about money and money lives about them

chase the bag and forget the rest

    what does life mean to you?

what is the utility of a job where you trade volatile fake value for fake value

the obsession with accumulation and inherency of greed

nnnnnnnnnew new new [what do you want.]

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A BEACH IN THE BAHAMAS? YES! and none of that pesky sand to get all over your car and imbetween your toes. THE PENULTIMATE FREEDOM DEVICE

but being broke is a mindset

            i lost a job i never had,

5 years of experience = 70-90k§

renting a two bedroom unit increased 18% p/w in a year

but being poor is a choice right

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                                    dysmusialgori* -

no cabin in woods
gliugluglgui glug

feed the algorithm so the algorithm feeds you

*- a complete loss of faith in the value of music as an art form after algorithm-induced context loops beat your aesthetic tastes into paranoid twitchy pattern recognising amoebazoa

central cee @btv

iykyk

i am a user and creator on these platforms

i criticise myself

 these platforms are becoming larger than life itself

3.5 hours a day on your phone = 53 days STRAIGHT

do something better with your time

we are all a little sick

be less sicker

the consumer dictates the market until they dont

dictate yourself

-d

PS. week or so later

dad enters the house

me- what's up

dad-"nothing much just dying a slow death of overworkedness"

beyond the valley

i found myself in the jungle

the monotonous boom of kick

the rhythm of life

the frequency speakency to my soul

heuh huh heuh huh

the bass shakes shakes shkaes the earth below my feet

the lights melt and implode and are reborn as waves

the thickets of the jungle

claustrophobia

release

please

release

breathe

the jungle breathes

not just it's inhabitants

but itself moves

the flow of energies and shift of density

the blood of the people the

beat of the heart

an enigmatic wasteland

a sinking foot into dry dirt

a cold place with bright colours

a dust storm as the nomads herd to loud noises

never a quiet moment

never a visual cleanse

the final boss of overstimulation

'recreational' substances have a symbiotic relationship with this place

drinking is the extreme sport variant

ssCHHUUU

people committing micro-brain-suicides to enjoy this space

it almost becomes a chore 

99% recovery during the sunned period

the jungle wildens as the sun goes away

-d

what was written

nero

this crazy crazy man

loved by the people of rome

killed two of his wives

kicked a wife to death who was pregnant

lowered taxes for the people

kept them happy and housed

his mother once begged for death to be relieved of her relations to him

stab me in the stomach where the monster was nurtured

aLLEGEDLY

you see,

nero wasn't liked by his peers of the senate,

and political enemies were the main ones recounting him

his name has likely been dragged through the dirt.

engraved in the timeline

its weird hearing about people who lived

i find myself relating to the humanity of figures so ancient

they are no more than words on a page

and spoke in tongue that we could never understand

but i understand a part of something that has been passed through ancient to modern hands

i was recently reading Homer

that guy is fake (maybe)

but there's no way that the storylines have stayed the same as its been passed down 3000 years

what changed?

what niche references to lives lived have been lost to time?

how lucky are that after thousands of years of history the good guys won every time?

right?

history is more like an intergenerational narrative

sure, learn from the past blahablahnlah.

    i used to believe all that was written was true

but they easily could waffle as much as i am right now

how many innocent people are in jail?

the mother who watches the man who murdered her son walk free

what happened < what is widely accepted

what would the world be like if hitler had won?

global aryan supremacy? 

would jewish people still exist?

would i exist?

my family migrated from europe post ww2

how many people would've wedded another?

how many families would never have existed?

judgement

of myself and what I've been doing

a choice freeze

impostor syndrome

Sometimes I finish a [insert here] and surprise myself

sometimes i start a [inser]t and fucking suck

some fina; thoughts coz this shit been sitting in the bank too long:

how does information get lost

how doesn't someone just remember it

word of mouth get lost in translation? generational?

When will instagram die out

that vile, parasitic beast

what was written is nearly is funny is what's been said'

most of everything is made up and you are tricked by a magician each day

it/'s also a load of fuckshit and dickheadery regardless

stop taking life so seiriosly and just live

-d

willy prom walking

 a collation of quick thoughts post-hike:

                                                        everything looks big but it isn't

    

        i put myself in a position to suffer because it is so absent in my life

    

                                                                                    common comforts are taken for granted

    

mountains set around a cove in a twilight sky is an ideal environment to sit quietly in

                                the world is outside, and society is a box

    grasshoppers are loud (but steg's sleeping mat is louder)

                                                                                    we can really get used to anything

                    big2 is card game of the year

    leeches are smaller than i thought but somehow more disgusting

                                                            wallabies don't give a fuck about u

    cold water makes you feel alive

                                                sand (in context of mess) is a colossal piece of shit to deal with

my strugle

innfna'NF

i want to throw up

qinfmgkqm

qngiP[[

AKGMMM

i wish at some point Icould stop my brain from spinning mafkpppqooamjga

jgaojga

øøøå)

vkj

oejojoga

ojemaojm

vam

it's like burning but more dissolving in an acid vat and slowly feeling every cell in your body become devoured through an extremely slow and painful chemical reaction calledLOVE

ja

gj

jooo

aoj passion and pain

ojagj

g

ajv

when you die what life will flash before your eyes 

gggg

how to be a better person.

distant memories

im a different person to old me

and when i see people who know old me

its like a little bit of old me crawls in

and i don't need the old me

dave in retrograde

a conversation about a party i didn't know

a grimace creeps on his face

contemplating

justification of why i wasn't invited

and finally an invite I'm not even sure i was seeking

finally.

i am socially validated through a facebook event

you see

caterpillars become goo before they become butterflies

electronic shocks say that they still remember pre-goo them

i remember pre-goo me,

when do i flap mywings better

sometimes i just crash into the ground below and it gets hard to get up

but i still do get up

sometimes i don't even know why

i remember riding my bike down to the beach

to my friends house

my legs building with lactic acid,

bubbling and broiling beneath my skin

the wind blowing against my face

i felt so alive

i always say the hardest weather to ride in is wind

this invisible force that always wanted to push me away from where i was trying to go

my brain is akin to the wind

really,

i have not been able to escape the whirring thoughts inside my brain

the storms that plague my days

sometimes i find comfort in the chaos

sometimes i yearn for sun

why do we all feel so alone?

do i have not friend nor foe?

a different perspective, the same one

the sinking reality of being.

the most and least connected to people at the same time

the flicker of brands and names that don't know me

and provide nothing to me

my eyes dance behind their lid

caesar said the best way to die would be sudden and quick

-d

to you

     to you i seem like a

moment

but to me, there could be more

than i originally bargained for

i forget who i used to be

i know you do too

and to you, that's hard

but to me, I've let go

because the tides are always pulled

by the moon above my head

and the river keeps flowing

while people do too

love is never decisive

unconditionally conditional

always with strings attached

ready to pull when things turn

when i hear your voice change

and your face turns to one i don't know

i recognise the finite

and begin to understand change

i swear i don't get love

I'm only one to experience

i can't say i understand you

because i barely understand me

the entertainment complex

clink clink

mmoarpajrmmam (the trumpet flirting with the warm air)

the felt booth feels warm

a Moscow mule crisp, sharp

chitter of conversationalists

an echo of laughter

entertainment has a way of keeping the masses in check

the greatest threat to an empire is those who are bored

and those who do something when they are bored

crime,  coercion against a state, thinking (2hard)

to think is good, but to think too far away from what everyone else thinks...

we are malleable

we are numbers

3481 needs more happy juices

gluoink glorg glorp glorb

9257 on the edge

emergency administration

make that man smile

I SAID MKAE THAT MAN SMILE

feeeeeed your people

i mean feed them

good foods, mmmm 

delectable

water your people

house your people

they will be your people

they will serve you

the a way of life

________________________________________________________

binbin ice cream slp slip icec ream slp slp

ultimate glizzy machine

the lowest form content

my brain has become accustomed to switching off

and consuming

gloprgorlp azonk gorakloa glug

and it begs the question

is there more than this

i like fun

entertain me

but why am i a slave of my own brain

i pick my poison but i don't want any ofthem

i fear i will become apart of the epidemic that is

status quo

where i run from the responsibility of my choices

of action

                when do i really learn to learn

to fuck up and keep going?

the crucial thing is to find a truth which is the truth for me;

an idea i would die by, one that makes it worth living

Kierkegaard

It’s easy to waste away in the infinite

It’s eSy to not think

It’s easy to be oppressed

i like easy

bnging slrp

ride it like a cowgirl

slrp slrp slrp

i just woke up from a trance stuck inside of the reels alogirthm

i laughed, i looked out my window in front of me

i realise that i am sick

I watch my parents waste in front of shit content 

i love them dearly

but why does fake slots take up hours of your day

AR YOU NOT ENTERTAINED>?????

-d